Ever have that feeling that something is just RIGHT? Well, I did out of nowhere today. I was just driving home from work and a thought came into my head. . .a thought that has been on my heart and in my mind for years now. I literally mean years!
The thought came so suddenly and it was so shocking that my first response was to get rid of it!
After about three seconds, however, I decided to listen to it.
I think my place is back home. It's not out here in this place they call "The Golden State". I belong where I was born. I belong where I come from. I vowed to never forget my roots, but I never thought I would go back to them.
Yet here I am, just over a year of living in California and I am ready to leave. I do not see what all the hype is about. Sure, the weather is great! Of course, I live close to the beach! Those two things aside, however, and I am left to wonder what else there is for me? I am not materialistic (to the "OC" extent), but I will not deny I like to have good things. I do not care about the newest fashion and the shiniest car. My car moves. It is not ten years old. That's about all I really need. The sterotypes are true. When I first found my church home, I hoped I would not meet people that were big gossipers, really materialistic, or backstabbers who will drop you like a baked potato straight from the oven. How naive I was! Those people are everywhere in the world; I just hoped they would not tarnish my view of "Christians". Growing up in a predominantely LDS community, I never knew Christians outside of the LDS faith. My first few months with Christians out here in Orange County told me they really are just like everyone else; if not worse. They gossip, point blame, backstab and covet just like everyone else does. The worst part is they pretend to be great God loving people. "We are a generation of change. We love our brothers and sisters in Christ!" Not to be cynical or judgmental toward these young, fired up Christians, but where is the love our Lord talked about? Where is the love He told us we need? To take up our crosses and follow Him, to truly follow Him, we need to love. Part of love, my dear friends, is treating each other nicely. I am not the sweetest girl all the time; this I know. I just made a huge mistake in how I treated one of my best friends out here. I now see what it means to love a friend with all your heart. It took me about 14 months and 700 miles to see it.
To my best friend: you know who you are. You probably may never read this, but I want you to know, Mormon or not, you are the best friend I've ever had! How do you show it to me? YOUR ACTIONS. The old addage, "Actions speak louder than words" has rung so true for me these past months. I now see in my actions, and the actions of others, that I do not belong here. I do not deserve to have people "warn" others about dating me. I do not deserve to feel like I only have one good friend after thinking I had many more. I can handle one good friend. I have one in Utah. I have one in Oklahoma. Their actions, hundreds of miles away, have done more for my personal sanity than any within ten minutes.
To my friends out here: I do love you. I am sorry if this comes across as rude and judgmental. Ever since October of last year, many things have happened that have led me to this decision. I have prayed. I feel badly about leaving my life here. The new life I created and came to love so much has come back to bite me in the @ss. HARD.
Back to the feeling I had today: I have been praying for years (even before I moved here) for an answer from God. All I needed was a one word answer. Either four letters or ten letters telling me where God wanted me in life. I do believe He put me through these struggles to become stronger. I am stronger. I can take my faith back to Utah and be a light to those turned off by Mormon pressure. I do not know what God wants me to do exactly, but if He is giving me that four-letter word, I will follow. I will go back to
L O V E.
